Dear Friends,
As we know, the world is facing many conflicts right now - some immediate and large - like a potential war with Iran, or climate crises, and some less immediate and more personal - like a pending presidential impeachment. And most of us have conflicts, small and large, in our own lives with family, co-workers, friends, and acquaintances.
In the Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings of the Order of Interbeing (a community of monastics and lay people, students of Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay), who have committed to living their lives in accord with the Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings, a distillation of the Bodhisattva teachings of Mahayana Buddhism, it says this about conflict:
We will take responsibility for the ways we may have contributed to the conflict and keep communication open. We will not behave as a victim but be active in finding ways to reconcile and resolve all conflicts however small.
Here's how I distilled Thay's teaching:
take responsibility for our own actions that helped lead to the conflict
don't shut down - keep communication open even if we are angry
don't think the other person is the only one at fault and we are victim
continue looking for solutions of all conflicts, don't give up
don't ignore or sweep small conflicts under the rug
I have been re-reading an awesome book on conflict, Conflict Unraveled: Fixing Problems at Work and in Families by Andra Medea. It lays out a matrix of levels of conflict and how they escalate from Level 1: Problem Solving to Level 2: Power Plays and Psychological Warfare then to Level 3:Blind Behavior/ unconscious/ addictive behavior, and eventually to Level 4: Tyranny. (I've included details from the book about each level at the bottom of this email.)
In the 14 trainings, I hear Thay calling us to stay in Level 1 conflict and work toward problem solving. While I was first reading Medea's book, I noticed how often I was moving conflicts with my husband from Level 1 to Level 2 by making myself a victim and/or using personal attacks. Something in me got triggered by the conflict, and I wasn't able to stay in problem solving mode.
Now that I'm aware of that tendency, I notice when I am escalating our conflicts, and bring myself back to Level 1. It requires my ability to notice when I am triggered and return attention to my breathing and my body, using the tools of our mindfulness practice. Knowing the differences between Level 1 conflict and Level 2 conflict has helped me recognize when I've shifted levels without awareness.
We can apply this same lens to conflicts in which we are not directly involved. For example, in the Iran conflict happening right now-- when and how did it go from Level 1 to Level 2/3? Unfortunately, the outcome of a Level 3 or 4 conflict could be something very significant, like a World War. How can we support this conflict moving back to Level 1?
After the tragic events of 9/11 in New York, I heard Thay speak about what the U.S. should do. He suggested that President Bush reach out to Osama bin Laden and ask him to sit down for tea together. In such a meeting, President Bush would ask Osama bin Laden to share why he was so angry with the United States.
This is Level 1 behavior, and, which very very difficult, is more likely to be the way to a solution. It reflects the awareness that we Inter-are with each other, and that no one is safe when we are in a Level 2,3, or 4 world conflict. This technique also reflects the suggestion to "take responsibility for our own actions that helped lead to the conflict" and not play the victim. These are hard things to practice when we are triggered. And even harder when it's a whole community, country, or world that is triggered and reactive.
This Monday, after our meditation session, let's consider where we are with our personal conflicts. Do we practice to stay at Level 1? Do we resolve all conflicts, however small? What causes us to move up to Level 2 or 3? How does our mindfulness practice help us return to Level 1? And how can we support the de-escalation of world conflicts for the benefit of all beings?
I look forward to our time together.
I'm exited to also share that this will be our first Monday night gathering in our new space - the "Pharmacy" studio. The Pharmacy studio is the former Chevy Chase Pharmacy space, now a beautiful meditation and yoga studio, shared by Opening Heart Mindfulness Community (OHMC) and Circle Yoga Cooperative.
When you enter, please leave your shoes at the front in the cubbies.
much love,
annie.