Bea will facilitate Monday night. She shares:
Dear Friends,
Tonight we have the opportunity to reflect on the Third Mindfulness Training True Love:
“Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are one, I am committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy and inclusiveness – which are the four basic elements of true love – for my greater happiness and the greater happiness of others. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.”
Every time I read this training, I wish I had internalized it when I was in my 20s! Seriously, how mindful was I about sexual desire, relationships, and commitment when I was young? Although I did not hop from one relationship to another lightly, I was certainly more driven by emotions and hormones than by the practice of True Love. So today, I want to share with you a personal story. A story about True Love that went unrecognized and was trashed many years ago. Maybe you can relate to my story.
I met Matteo* when I was in my mid-20s and in graduate school in Boston. He came to the U.S. from my hometown of Milan, Italy for a few weeks during the summer to study English. We had a common friend back in Italy who introduced us and asked me to suggest some day programs where he could study English. Being the nerd that I am, I immediately suggested programs that were intensive and full time: all day programs; 9 to 5 programs. I realized later that he wanted something lighter, a few hours a day maximum so that he could enjoy his summer and discover Boston. He told me later, that he was too embarrassed to say no to my suggestions and did not want to appear like a slacker. So he came and enrolled in a three-weeks intensive English program in Boston and worked his “butt” off to master a few sentences in the English language. It was only much later in life, when he came to NYC as a foreign correspondent for one of Italy’s largest newspaper, that he truly learned to speak English.
But that summer of 1993 was the start of a beautiful Love story that swept both of us off our feet. At the time that Matteo came to Boston to study English, I was involved with someone else in what you would consider a committed relationship. Not long after Matteo and I met, I left the relationship I was in to be with my newfound Love. Needless to say, I did not leave the previous relationship with integrity and honesty. I just dumped the guy I had been with for three years to be with my new-found Italian partner. One year later, I moved back to Italy, my home country, to be with my family and with Matteo.
We had a lot in common, Matteo and I, besides being from the same country and hometown. We were both aspiring journalists, passionate about social justice, and eager to do meaningful work in life. By then, I had been out of Italy for a total of 8 years. Readjusting to my native culture was not easy but with Matteo’s help, I managed to re-discover and appreciate my native culture. My True Love also had a unique personal story, one intertwined with the history of Italy. His Dad was assassinated in the early 70s by a fringe political group that was against the State. His father was Chief of Police in our city at the time and became a symbolic target. He was shot from the back multiple times in the open parking lot in front of his apartment building, an earshot away from his family. There was a lot of controversy about this murder in Italy and the country was torn apart by it. Overnight, Matteo’s Mom became a widow with three young boys. Matteo was the oldest and only four years old at the time this happened. It was an event that defined his life and the history of our country. Over the decades, and the many trials that ensued, his family was publicly praised for always showing compassion, love and forgiveness toward those who committed this murder.
Matteo and I were together for five years. He visited me in Croatia, when I worked for an Italian non-profit organization that provided essential aid to refugees of the Bosnia war. We moved to Rome together after I got a job with Amnesty International and he started to work as a reporter for the Italian news agency. We discovered Rome together with our vespa, the classic Italian scooter and our only means of private transport. We spent time in Tuscany whenever we could get away from the hustle and bustle of the Italian capital. During the holidays we went back to our hometown to spent time with our respective families. It all worked well until one day, when I was in Ethiopia on a business trip, I met someone else and allowed myself to be carried away by passion and desire. I will not bore you with the details of what happened next but as you can probably guess, it was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Matteo. I eventually came back to the U.S. and started to build a life here.
Two decades have passed since our Love story ended. Matteo got married, had two twin daughters and is recently divorced. He has been the Chief Editor of two of our national newspapers and is now a full time author. I never married but I lived in Africa for seven years and eventually adopted a beautiful child who is now 13 years old. Over the years, we have stayed in touch. I would like to believe that he has forgiven me even though I have not forgiven myself for the harm I caused him at one point in his life. He appears in my dreams often and especially during times of distress. When his Mom had a terrible accident a few years ago, I had a dream about him the night before and reached out via text to him the very next day. I knew deep inside that something was terribly wrong. He confirmed my suspicions. Something similar happened when his stepfather succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease. Two years ago Matteo met my daughter for the very first time when I visited my family in Italy and took her to see the first Italian Starbucks that opened in Milan, near our main Cathedral and it’s a one-of-a-kind coffee shop!
Why am I sharing this story with you? Because True Love without mindfulness does not last and is destroyed by desire, greed, selfishness and misconduct. If one is lucky, one gets a second chance. I know I did. But that does not always happen and when it does, it still requires one to practice mindfulness. I am also sharing this story with you because February 17th is Matteo’s 50thbirthday and because he taught me the meaning of True Love, Forgiveness and Compassion.
So I now ask you: What has life taught you about True Love? How do you cultivate True Love in your life now, whether you are in a romantic relationship or not?
*name changed to protect identity