Mary will facilitate.
On Monday night, I will share with you a practice of ‘skillful speaking and deep listening’. I have been trying it out over the past year. I was inspired to take this up by a sharing guideline for multi-cultural gatherings that Valerie Brown offered during our 2021 OHMC annual retreat:
Practice “Both / And”: When speaking, substitute “and” for “but”. This practice acknowledges and honors multiple realities.
Sounds simple and straightforward enough, doesn’t it? I never dreamed it would be so challenging! My hablt energy when someone offers a new idea or way of doing something is to flip into ‘critical thinking’ mode-- perhaps linked to years of program evaluation work and deep seeds in my store consciousness? Rather than listening deeply and acknowledging the speaker, I get busy inside my head coming up with a response that often may start off “Yes, but….”. I may interrupt the speaker with questions or offer alternative views before they have had a chance to finish. Clearly, in this pattern, I am not being very mindful to acknowledge nor honor multiple realities.
I find responding “Yes, and..” is a game-changer.The magic happens when I manage to stop myself. To stop, it helps me to ask myself our teacher’s repeating question, “Are you sure?” Thich Nhat Hanh teaches: “Wrong perceptions make us suffer. 99% of our perceptions are wrong. It is wise to ask this question again and again to cultivate right thinking, thus avoiding misunderstanding and causing each other to suffer”.
To listen all the way through and then acknowledge, “Yes, I hear what you’re saying” makes the speaker feel seen and appreciated. By adding ‘and...” opens up space for multiple realities to co-exist. It tips the interaction from potentially adversarial into a collaborative mode. The ‘American” style of independent thinking contrasts to group thinking and tends to be more competitive than cooperative. There is so much to learn from other cultures including styles of communication. Misperceptions have many roots.
Of course, I don’t always manage to change this deep habit energy. But when I hear the words, “Yes, and” fall from my lips, it brings me a smile and acknowledges to me that I, too, have multiple realities and potentials within me.
Tonight, we will recite the 5 Mindfulness Trainings of Plum Village tradition with special attention to:
4th Mindfulness Training: Loving Speech and Deep Listening
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations.
Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into its roots, especially in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to release the suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will make daily efforts, in my speaking and listening, to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and I will gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness.
Skillful speech is one of the steps in the Buddha’s 8-fold noble path to end suffering-- our personal suffering, as well as the suffering of others and of the world. As you reflect on the 4th Mindfulness Training, remember it is aspirational and something we are all practicing to do better.
Questions to consider for dharma sharing:
What reaction have you noticed in yourself and others when you are able to ‘speak truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy and hope’?
When angry, what helps you ‘to look deeply into its roots, especially in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person’?
How easy/difficult is it for you to ‘not utter words that can cause division or discord’?
I look forward to seeing you and learning from you on Monday night!
Care and love to you all,
Mary