Monday, March 4, we will meet online.
Optional Newcomers Orientation
Monday at 6:15pm EST
Mallards joyfully talking and taking flight in the creek in Camille's parents' backyard upstate New York.
This week we will meet Monday from 7-8:30PM EST online, Wednesday morning from 7-8AM in person at our meditation space (3812 Northampton Street NW), and Friday 12-1PM EST online.
On Monday evening, Camille will facilitate.
Dear Friends,
The fourth mindfulness training (of the Five Mindfulness Trainings, or Five Precepts, developed during the time of the Buddha) is the practice of deep listening and loving speech. It teaches us that when we speak lovingly and listen compassionately, we can help relieve suffering and promote reconciliation and peace, both in ourselves and in others. Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) teaches that with compassionate listening, you listen with only one purpose: to “help him or her to empty his heart.” Even if they say things that are full of wrong perceptions, you can give them a chance to speak and to suffer less.
I often hear what someone is saying, but then I wonder, Am I really listening? Psychology Today says the definition of hearing “revolves around the physiological act of hearing sounds, and the definition of listening revolves around actively paying attention to the words and sounds that you hear to absorb their meaning. And when we choose not to listen to someone, whether our spouse, coworker, friend, or child, we potentially create a rift in the relationship.”
Sometimes I feel irritated or frustrated when family members share their challenges repeatedly–mostly because I believe I already have heard it all. It is then that I can go to “hearing” but not really listening” or trying to understand. And then my go-to response is to give advice, trying to get at the heart of the problem and solve it, rather than absorbing what is being shared. Am I really listening, or am I just adding to their suffering?
In the book Zen and the Art of Saving the Planet, Thay says, “Even if the other person is full of wrong perceptions, bitterness or blaming, you can continue to listen with compassion because you are practicing with mindfulness of compassion. One hour of listening with compassion can help the other person suffer much less help restore communication.”
An ongoing practice for me is to become a better and more compassionate listener. Over the years various practices have helped. While raising young children my husband and I took many classes with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). We learned the art of both active and reflective listening. More recently I have practiced Inner Relationship Focusing (IRF), a process for offering “comfort, support, compassion, and empathic listening” to ourselves and others.
These practices have allowed me to listen and better hear myself and work toward transforming my own suffering as well. In Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom, the poet John O’Donohue says, “There is a voice within you that no one, not even you, has ever heard. Give yourself the opportunity of silence and begin to develop your listening in order to hear, deep within yourself, the music of your own spirit.”
Over the years I have loved all kinds of music: folk, jazz, bluegrass, blues, pop, rock. But I can’t tell you what most of the songs were about. I liked the rhythms and sound of the music, but didn’t always listen for their meaning. When I first started the practice of morning chanting of Buddhist sutras with Melina Bondy (formerly Sister Ocean), I only heard the words as part of the music. But after a while I began to listen to the words, to understand and absorb their meaning. I found that I could then sing with more joy and compassion. This practice helps me to listen with understanding and compassion to others. I can both transform my suffering and help others to suffer less. Below I share links to some of the songs and chants that I have most enjoyed.
Thay shares that communication is essential between people. Without deep and compassionate listening, we won’t have effective communication, and we won’t heal the suffering or conflict with family members or the world. In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Thay offers the way to practice deep listening and suggests what one might say: “Dear friends, dear people, I know that you suffer a lot, I have not understood enough of your difficulties and suffering. It’s not our intention to make you suffer more. It is the opposite. So please tell us about your suffering, your difficulties. I’m eager to learn to understand.” If we can start an honest conversation that way, Thay says, people will open their hearts to us. And then we can practice compassionate deep listening to help end suffering in the world.
I look forward to seeing you online on Monday night and enjoying a song or two together.
In love and light,
Camille
Some songs and resources I enjoy:
We are the World (Michael Jackson)
Bob Marley and the Wailers–One Love/People Get Ready