Monday, July 24, we will meet online.
Need Zoom tech support? Email Phyllis here.
(support available before sangha starts)
Dear Friends, this week we will meet on Monday evening online 7-8:30PM, Wednesday morning from 7-8AM in person at our meditation space (3838 Northampton Street) and Friday 12-1PM in person.
On Monday we will continue reading Zen and the Art of Saving the Planet, pages 187-224: Brave Dialogue: The Power of Listening, and Annie will facilitate.
In this section - which, by the way is amazing - Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) and Sister True Dedication share the value of listening to all points of view in the society and in our personal lives (and the ways those two inter-are), the practice of transforming our anger into compassion, and techniques for practicing deep listening.
I found all of it very helpful, but especially Sister True Dedication’s writing on her “tricks” for being able to listen to differing views in a way that allows the other person to unburden themselves and that leads to healing for all.
On Monday, we will read the excerpt below together and discuss the practice of deep listening to other views, using Thay’s teachings and Sister True Dedication’s “tricks”, which I’ve outlined here:
Follow our breathing while listening in order to be fully present for what is being said.
Take care of the impression of the other person’s suffering in the way it affects our breathing and our body. If tension arises, we release it on an out-breath. If our breathing gets uneven or short, we soften and gently release it. We note feelings that arise for us to look into later.
Do our best not to interrupt. Become curious about what the other person really thinks, in their heart of hearts.
Keep compassion alive during the whole time by listening to the pain behind the words, the feeling the other person is trying to articulate. Ask silently to yourself, “What’s really hurting here? What are you really trying to say?”
Create the right kinds of conditions for listening to be possible by putting down cell phones, switching off the TV or music, or suggesting going outside for a walk or coffee - create a slightly better context to be fully present.
Be honest with ourselves about our limits. Do we have enough space inside to listen right now? If not, we can reschedule.
Sister True Dedication writes in the section, Deep Listening 101:
“Whenever we disagree with someone, it can take courage to hear them out, and, whenever we experience injustice of any kind and feel powerless, it takes immense spiritual strength not to fall victim to anger or hatred. How can we help build bridges in a fractured, polarized world?
Before visiting Plum Village for the first time, I didn’t realize listening was learnable. I just figured that you either have the gift, or you don’t—and I didn’t. But gradually I discovered that, the more I was able to simply be still and listen to myself, the more space I had to listen to others; the more I listened to the skies and trees, the more I could listen to human beings. I got curious about people and the landscape of their hopes, fears, and dreams. The thing is, it’s easy to mix up listening with trying to get our own point across, when in fact speaking and listening are two different things. Listening is a training, a practice. It’s a gift we offer the other person, and it’s a gift we offer ourselves: to expand our perspective and encounter the human being in front of us in a deep way.
In Plum Village we train to listen with our whole person, to be fully present for what’s being said. The first trick is to follow our breathing while listening. Right away, we become an embodied listener. Paying attention to the extraordinary symphony of our breathing keeps us rooted in the present moment and helps us not get distracted by our own internal discourse. Breathing mindfully as we listen, we soon discover that our breathing contains within it the trace of our reactions. By taking care of our breathing, we have a chance to recognize, receive, and embrace any reactions right away as they arise.
There is a lot going on: there is the person in front of us and their words and there is our own body, breathing, and reactions. This is the second trick: to take care of the impression of the other person’s suffering in the way it affects our breathing and our body. If tension arises, we release it on an out-breath. If our breathing gets uneven or short, we soften and gently release it. We don’t repress any feelings that come up for us; we simply take note of them and embrace them, knowing we can always look into them later after we have finished listening.
The art of listening includes the art of not-interrupting, the third trick. When someone triggers us, or says something false, the first thing we might want to do is to interrupt, correct them, and explain why they’re wrong. But, in deep, compassionate listening, our task is above all to allow the other person to say everything they have to say. It’s our chance to hear what they really think, in their heart of hearts. And, if it’s painful to listen, as Thay explains, we protect ourselves with the energy of compassion and remind ourselves that we’re listening with just one purpose: to let them open up and speak out. We cultivate a genuine curiosity to understand their deepest fears and concerns.
This is the fourth trick: to keep our compassion alive during the whole time of listening. Mostly I do this by not focusing too much on the words. I find that the best way I can listen to difficult, bitter, or angry speech is to listen to the pain behind the words, to the feeling the person is trying to articulate, however clumsily they’re doing it. Thay described the action of the bodhisattva of deep listening, Avalokiteshvara, as listening “so attentively that we will be able to hear what the other person is saying, and also what is being left unsaid.” It’s a struggle for all of us to put our feelings into words, even at the best of times, and especially at the worst, when we’ve been hurt or when our fear or anger has been triggered.
Sometimes, when I’m listening to someone who is agitated or angry, as I’m looking right at them, beyond their words, and following my breathing, I hold a question openly and silently in my heart: “What’s really hurting here? What are you really trying to say?” There can be a huge chasm between what one person means to say and the words we actually hear. The energy of mindfulness can help us bridge the gap. This is the fifth trick: hearing what’s being left unsaid.
Finally, we have to create the right kind of conditions for listening to be possible. Whether it’s putting down cell phones, switching off the TV or music, or suggesting going outside for a walk or coffee—in any given situation there’s always something we can do to create a slightly better context to be fully present.
At the same time, we need to be honest with ourselves: Are we really ready to listen? Do we have enough space inside? If we’re not in the right frame of mind to listen, it is better to say so, and offer to listen deeply another time. We have the right to respect our own limits too. There’s an interbeing between speaker and listener: when someone is really listening to us, when we really feel we’ll be heard, suddenly it becomes possible to fully express what’s in our heart. In the same way, when someone is not listening with genuine openness and compassion, we can feel it.
I’ve noticed that taking communication to a deeper level can be hardest in our closest relationships. And yet it can be very powerful to go for a walk with someone we care about and ask, “How are you really doing?” or “What’s your deepest concern right now?” or even “Do I understand you enough?” Some say that, if you don’t know how an extrovert is feeling, you haven’t been listening, and, if you don’t know how an introvert is feeling, you haven’t asked. The strange thing is that sometimes the ones with the loudest voices are also those who feel the least heard.”
Later she writes
“It is not other people who are our enemies; instead, our enemies are anger, resentment, hatred, fear, and discrimination.”
and
“A view is only ever partial, not absolute. It is changeable, not permanent. And, if a view has come to be in someone’s heart and mind, it’s because something has “fed” that view. As Thay says, “Nothing survives without food.” A view has been fed by algorithms and search results, by news feeds and clicks. The challenge is to train to see all views — including our own— as limited, impermanent, and open to change.”
and
“We may need to be patient in order to understand.”
and
“We have to find a way to somehow turn down the reactivity and open up our hearts to see the human right in front of us and access our compassion and intention to understand their deepest fears, pain, and concerns. We remind ourselves to cherish the human even if we don’t agree with their view.”
Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) writes:
“But, if you know how to transform anger into compassion, you still have a very powerful source of energy. Compassion is a kind of antidote for anger; the two are somehow related. But looking deeply we know that, just as we have suffered, the other side has suffered too. We want a chance to live in peace, safety. Winning does not mean victory over those who cause us to suffer but victory over our own ignorance and resentment inside.”
and
“Compassion and forgiveness are possible once we can see the suffering of those who’ve inflicted suffering on us.”
I look forward to seeing you online Monday.
with love,
annie.