artwork by Magda Cabrero
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On Monday, August 1, Camille will facilitate. Camille shares:
I sometimes wonder if I am meditating and practicing in this tradition to transform suffering in myself and then help others, or am I avoiding something - like facing my own trauma or difficult issues at home? Do I use my spiritual practice and energy to ignore things that need to be resolved? These are some thoughts and questions that I don't have the answer to - yet am desirous and very eager to explore.
The term spiritual bypassing was coined by a psychologist named John Wellwood and defined as: “the tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks."
Any of us can fall into spiritual bypassing from time to time, whether we are on a spiritual path or not and find ourselves repressing our emotions. Jon Kabat Zinn says we sometimes use meditation to avoid deep pain or suffering and instead of practicing mindfulness we practice mindlessness and build a story around how mindful we really are.
I find that I sometimes avoid the practices that can help me and bring me joy, maybe because I think I am spiritually bypassing. If I am feeling pain about a loved one or anger toward someone, I might choose to skip practices like chanting or meditation because I feel it isn't authentic. .
Instead of "welcoming the unpleasant emotions" as Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) would say - and "caring for them" and me, I push them away and don't face the pain. If I practice at home or in community it doesn't always feel real and I don't really open up, particularly at sangha where I should find refuge, replenishment, and trust in the support of my community. Is this self-judgment or is this just laziness and not wanting to do the work? Or is this spiritual bypassing?
A friend helped me understand what is not spiritual bypassing. When I go to the soup kitchen and help feed and clothe homeless and otherwise vulnerable individuals I really feel nourished and replenished and so happy to be there. I am not doing it as a perfunctory courtesy that just makes me feel good . When I serve there, I feel nourished and replenished knowing that they are nourished and replenished as well and will have a warm coat or gloves, or a warm meal - all the things I have and am really grateful for and that we should all have. Just the smiles and good mornings from these friends elicits kindness and I feel we interare with each other.
First and foremost I know I need to take care of myself - to try and understand my suffering and to try and embrace my emotions without turning away. Perhaps then I can really open more to trusting my resources -my sangha and my friends, the people I love. And as I really feel that trust - then perhaps I can release my self-judgment and my concerns about spiritual bypassing and how I think I should feel. That can allow me to be in touch with and transform the difficult emotions so that deeper understanding about my life and my actions can arise. As Thich Nhat Hanh says in a 2013 dharma talk (video here):
Understanding suffering is very important. When you look, when you listen to the suffering with mindfulness and concentration, you will come to understand the nature and the roots of suffering. And understanding suffering naturally gives birth to the energy of compassion. And the energy of compassion, once born, begins to heal, to heal yourself and the world.
So understanding and compassion are born from suffering. It’s like the lotus flower is born from the mud. That is why running away from suffering is not a wise attitude. You don’t want to send your children to a place where there is no suffering. Do you? Because in such a place, your child, your son or your daughter, [would] never have a chance to learn how to understand and how to love. And that is why there is suffering in the Kingdom of God.
So my definition of the Kingdom of God is a place where people know how to make good use of suffering, in order to create happiness and love.
Some questions to consider:
- Do I practice spiritual bypassing or avoiding my own difficult feelings? If so, how might I embrace my difficult feelings in order to care more for myself?
- How do I take care of myself so I can be there authentically for others?
- How do I use my spiritual energy to nourish myself?
I look forward to being with you on Monday night.
With much love,
Camille