Monday, December 12, we will meet online.
Need Zoom tech support? Email Phyllis here.
(support available before sangha starts)
This Monday December 12, Annie and Rachel will facilitate.
Dear friends,
A few weeks ago OHMC offered an in-person ½ Day of Mindfulness and we watched a short video of a talk with Thich Nhat Hanh. With the day’s theme focusing on finding ease during the holidays, it was fitting to hear Thay answer the question, “What to do when we find another person’s presence not nourishing?” — since we can especially find ourselves in this situation during the holiday season as we celebrate with co-workers, friends, and family.
We will play the video again on Monday night to hear Thay’s full answer. The short answer as I interpreted it is that the people who do not nourish us are suffering more and need our attention and compassion even more - which for me is very difficult. The more people do not nourish me, the less time I want to spend with them.
We (Annie and Rachel) were having a conversation about this last week and we talked about belonging. Personally I find so much comfort in the practice of belonging and intervening: that no matter what I do or say in this world - I belong. This helps me cope with all my “flaws.” When further discussing the “not nourishing” people in our lives, we reminded ourselves that they belong too. Even Trump, Putin, Hitler - Thay would say they also belong. And part of me feels that my belonging can easily lose its value if absolutely everyone belongs. If everyone belongs, does no one belong?
Author and Buddhist teacher Sebene Selassie describes interbeing in You Belong: A Call for Connection as the way we are both inseparable and also unique: “Although we are not one, we are not separate. And although we are not separate, we are not the same.”
The practice of interbeing with “not nourishing” people can be challenging. I have to really sit with the concept of interbeing to deeply feel and know it in my heart. With practice, I can deeply know that we all have love and compassion built in each one of us. Most of us can access that love some of the time and some of us have a hard time accessing it at all.
It doesn’t make us not belong when we cause harm. It doesn’t make us undeserving of compassion. It doesn’t make us unalike in needing love and acceptance. We are all not nourishing to others at times.
I can tell when I’m feeling disconnected, I’m certainly less kind and less patient. If I can remember this about myself, I can remember it about others. Even if they are harming me or others. Thay would say there is no separation. They are experiencing great suffering and have fewer tools to care for their own suffering. When I judge, condemn, or punish them, I also suffer.
In response to a question about this, Thay once said, “I would suggest we stop thinking that we have done our part, only he has not done his part. We can very well improve our quality of practice. And we should believe that when we have become true compassion, true freshness, true understanding, things will change. Because everyone one of us needs this three elements.”
So what is our practice when we are with a “not nourishing” person? When we sit Monday night we can share what is on our hearts, and / or reflect on the following questions:
How do you use the practice when you find another’s presence not nourishing?
After watching Thay’s video, how might you apply interbeing and compassion toward people who are not nourishing to you?
How do we feel when we are judging and condemning others?